The Net Power 1996 March/Net Power 03 (March 1996).iso/marchweb/mirrored/bob/kibo.faq

Text File | 1995-12-20 | 26.8 KB | 672 lines

Article 15447 of alt.religion.kibology:
Xref: martha.utcc.utk.edu alt.religion.kibology:15447 alt.exploding.kibo:750
Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo,alt.exploding.kibo
Path: martha.utcc.utk.edu!darwin.sura.net!howland.reston.ans.net!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!uunet!world!kibo
From: [e-mail] (James "Kibo" Parry)
Subject: ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FAQ: TENTH EDITION (12/25/93)
Message-ID: <[e-mail]>
Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology
Reply-To: [e-mail]
Organization: A place with really big letters taped to the walls
Date: Sat, 25 Dec 1993 06:51:00 GMT
Lines: 655

Here's the '93 FAQ, now leave me alone for another year.

P.S.  Reposting this FAQ or ever showing it to newbies is FORBIDDEN.
The knowledge contained herein is secret and should be withheld from the
uninitiated.  Do NOT tattoo this entire FAQ on your body!  You have been WARNED.

                                                        -- K.

ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY FAQ--TENTH EDITION (12/25/93)
===================================================

EXCERPTED FROM THE "ASK KIBO" BOOKS COWRITTEN WITH MARILYN VOS SAVANT,
RON GOULART, MICHAEL TOBIAS, MARTY ANGSTROM, JEAN DOUMANIAN, AND
THE MULTITALENTED EDWARD D. WOOD JR.

Thanks to everyone who sumitted questions that Kibo bothered to respond to.
The Answers to these Frequently Asked Questions have been verified by
Encyclopedia Britannica.  They have not, however, been verified to be
_correct_.  If you supply a correct answer to a question, you win
a large cash prize.  If you supply an incorrect answer, your opponent
may choose one of your remaining brain areas to burn out.  When the buzzer
sounds, you will progress to the final round, in which both contestants
are required to touch their opponents with lumps of antimatter at the
tips of long sticks.  Should no contestant be able to determine the
truth of any given FAQ entry, the Universe will be declared null and void
and will be replaced with a rerun of "Who's The Boss?"


Please e-mail corrections to [e-mail].  Questions will be
answered only if accompanied by a self-addressed, stamped envelope.


"AAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!  IT'S KIBO!!!!!"
Your question?

"WHAT DOES KIBO LOOK LIKE?"
Six two (-ish), skinny, dark brown hair (same haircut as Harrison Ford
in "Blade Runner" currently), Abe Lincoln beard, glasses.  Exactly the
same fleshtone as Michael Jackson's TV Guide cover photo, but then, most
pans of lasagna also have that color in the pale areas.  The photo in
"Wired" issue 1.4 (p.27) is reasonably accurate except for the hair.

"WHAT DOES KIBO SOUND LIKE?"
Mostly like Mr. Rogers.  For a truly accurate image, imagine 40% Mr.
Rogers, 35% Michael Dukakis, and 25% Don Adams.  (Actually, Kibo was
required to take voice training classes in college--they wanted him to
talk like Adam West.  One of his instructors also worked on Dukakis.
This technique is obviously completely useless.)

"CAN KIBO DO ANY IMPRESSIONS?"
A few, but they're very bad so he won't do them for you.  However,
people occasionally accuse him of doing a Mr. Rogers one, which he can
only do when he's _not_ trying to.  Oh, wait, he thinks he can do
Don Pardo, too.  He thinks he can also do certain other celebrities
Joe Piscopo liked to do ten years ago, but is afraid to practice them
because he might turn into Joe Piscopo and advertise steroids and then
suffer from talent rot.

"IS THERE A FAQ FOR ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?"
No.  Instead we use the sci.physics FAQ.  See, in particular, the
section on black holes.

"WHAT DOES FAQ STAND FOR?"
Historians have long debated whether, as tradition would have it, FAQ
stands for "For Awful Quotation (Under Contract to Kibo)", or as certain
revisionist theories insist, "Fred A. Quimby" (who directed many
Tom & Jerry cartoons in the forties.)  But, to tell you the truth,
nobody knows.

"AND WHAT DOES UNIX STAND FOR?"
Oh, that's easy: "United Interchange".  (Bell Labs took a little
liberty with the "Interchange" part.)

"HAS KIBO BEEN IN HARVEY PEKAR'S COMIC BOOK `AMERICAN SPLENDOR'?"
Of course not.  Don't be silly.  However, it's rumored that he is
partially obscuring Waldo in "Where's Waldo?".  He also played poker
with Data, L. Ron Hubbard, and Mary Baker Eddy on the holodeck on
"Star Trek: The Next Generation".  (He would have won, but the game
was abruptly terminated when the Transporter changed everyone on the
ship into dogs.)

"WHAT IS THE FUNDAMENTAL PRINCIPLE OF BOZOLOGY?"
Bozosity abounds!

"AND IS THIS RELATED TO KIBO'S GRAND UNIFIED THEORY OF STUFF
[G.U.T.S.]?  WHAT IS KIBO'S G.U.T.S., ANYWAY?"
Everything abounds!

"OH."

"HOW DO YOU TELL IF SOMEONE'S A BOZO?"
Ask them.  If they say yes, they're a good bozo.  If they say no,
they're a bad bozo.  If they refuse or evade, they're the very worst
kind, and will be first against the wall when the revolution comes!

"WHO CREATED KIBOLOGY?"
The idea came from either Mark & Jason Dominus or Todd McComb, but they
don't remember which one of them it was.  Neither does Kibo.  He blames
them both equally.  Therefore, they both sit at Kibo's right hand in the
pantheon of Kibology.  To make up for this, Kibo sits at his own left hand.
Topological symmetry is everything, even if incorrectly modelled.

"WHO'S VISITED KIBO'S APARTMENT?"
Mark & Jason Dominus, Sean "Xibo" Coates, Harry Mandel, John Corr, Meg
Bertoni, Kibo's parents, Tom, Tom, and Tom, Jim Kasprzak, Scott "~ibo"
Ramming, Noah Friedman, Tami Friedman, Mark Hill, Matt McIrvin,
but certainly not Patrick L. Obo.

"WHO IS PATRICK L. OBO?"
Remember the recent _Star_ tabloid cover story, "CRAZED FAN STALKS
SUZANNE SOMERS"?

"WHAT'S KIBO'S PURITY TEST SCORE?"
He forgot.  Wasn't spectacularly high or low.  He denies Bush's
accusation that there was A Pattern.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S IQ?"
He hasn't had any such tests lately.  However, he has been scored as
surprisingly normal on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory
(MMPI).  A certain minor religion's "Free Personality Test" claims
he'll go insane soon.  [Afterword: Kibo still hasn't bought a copy of
"Dianetics", so he is obviously insane now.  He does, however, own
many of "L. Ron Hubbard"'s other books, including "What Is Scientology?",
which he uses as a dinner tray.]

"DOES KIBO BELIEVE IN FURNITURE?"
No.  Go away, furniture!

"HOW DID KIBO ACQUIRE THIS MUCH POWER?"
He invented the smilie.

"THEN WHY DOES KIBO REFUSE TO USE ANY :-)S IN ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?"
He doesn't want to show off his skills.  He can type the three parts in
under a tenth of a second, blindfolded.  And he types them so WELL--why,
sometimes novice readers of Usenet were known to mistake Kibo's artfully-
typed smilies for actual human faces peering out of their monitor at
ninety degrees to reality, made of glowing phoshphor dots.  These people
immediately went insane and subscribed to alt.postmodern.  As a result,
the 1992 International Ban On Kibo Using Smilies On Alt.Religion.Kibology
was drafted.  You may still see him using them occasionally in private
e-mail, but don't worry, this is merely a sign that Kibo considers you
either mentally stable, or else likely to crack up immediately in an
entertaining way.  Did you know that Kibo made Alexander Abian *and*
Ludwig Plutonium go insane?  Now you do!

"DID MY CAT THROW UP LAST NIGHT?  IF SO, WHERE?"
Look in your oven mitts for a big surprise.

"WHAT DID KIBO BUY AT THE MARKET RECENTLY?"
(From Kibo's three most recent grocery receipts from daily shopping
trips)

DR PEPPER (4)      Eight liters, three days.
ARRID-REGULA       Time for a new can of deodorant.
PLAST FORKS        All the plastic cutlery got used up
FORKS              simultaneously.  Same goes for paper
CUTLERY            plates, see below.
MAPLE LINKS        Wrong.  Brown'N'Serve BACON flavor.
STOVETOP STF       Turkey flavor, the best.
V8 COCKTAIL (3)    Does that make one V24?  Twelve V2s?
GROCRY             I have no idea what this was, now.
SUP 12Z BOWL       Paper bowls/plates.
DIX 9IN PLTE
CERTS (3)          Pocket cache of mints was low.
PEPPERONI          The most perfect snack meat.
HERSHEY DRIN       Chocolate artificial milk.
LCHOY MS EGG (2)   I know LaChoy egg rolls are crummy, but
                   I like them anyway.  I don't know why.
CHEEZ IT           Not for me, for a visitor.  I do not
                   eat cheese, and certainly not "cheez".
SR CRM MNCHM       Um... don't recall.
BBQ RIPPLINS       Keeblerized potato chip substitute.
MEAT               A lot of breaded chicken fillets.
PRINGLE RIP (2)    Rippled pringles.
HOOD CALMILK       Calcium-enriched, lactose-reduced milk,
                   for cooking (not drinking)
BOSCO              The only non-artificially-flavored
                   chocolate syrup available here.

"DOES KIBO PERFORM STANDUP COMEDY?"
Not any more.  Too scary and not profitable.  Also, he once made an
audience member flee in tears.  (True story--she later apologized and
said it was because Kibo reminded her of "a child molester".  She then
apologized for saying THAT.  It's one of Kibo's fondest memories.)

"WHERE DOES KIBO POST HIS AWESOMELY ENTERTAINING USENET ARTICLES?"
Almost all of them are cross-posted to alt.religion.kibology, so look
there--and if your site doesn't get it, raise Holy Hell with your
site's administrator.  And if you don't understand the concept of
Holy Hell, just read alt.religion.kibology.

"IF KIBO EVER GOES BALD, WILL HE STAY BALD OR WILL HE JOIN THE HAIR
CLUB FOR MEN?"
I wouldn't dream of being a Hair Club for Men client unless I can also
be the president.

"WILL KIBO EVER CORRECT THIB TYPOGRAPHICAL ERROR?"
Where?

"WHY DO I WRITE ABOUT MYSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON IN SOME PLACES IN THIS
FAQ LIST?"
Because it would look like I had a big ego if I kept saying "I".

"HOW DID THE UNIVERSE BEGIN?"
By accident.

"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE BEATLE?"
Ringo, because he was replaced by Dustin Hoffman in "The Point".

"WHO'S KIBO'S FAVORITE MONKEE?"
Mike (whose mother invented a dangerous drug), or maybe Peter.  However,
this answer would be completely different if Charles Manson hadn't done so
badly in his audition for them.  If Manson had been cast as "the short creepy
Monkee" instead of Davy Jones, Walter Koenig would not have been cast on
"Star Trek" but instead Bruce Dern would have been the navigator and would
have KILLED THEM ALL!!!  Of course, this has nothing to do with Kibo's theory
that Leonard Nimoy will kill Martin Landau on the set of Tim Burton's
film about Ed Wood and assume the cape of Bela Lugosi, but it's darn
similar in many IMPORTANT ways.

"HAS KIBO EVER SEEN A RONALD REAGAN MOVIE?"
Yes, "Bedtime for Bonzo", twice.  Also, night before last, actually
threw up while reading a synopsis of "Hellcats of the Navy".  However,
this answer would have been completely different if Ingrid Bergman's
availability hadn't prompted the studio to replace Reagan with Bogie in
"Casablanca".  (Addendum, three years later:  Kibo has a tape of
"Hellcats of the Navy" now.  He likes counting the number of times
Reagan looks into the periscope to fight claustrophobia.)

"WHERE HAS KIBO BEEN?"
The northeastern quadrant of the United States.  And Cleveland.  And
Williamsburg.  When he can afford it, he'll go everywhere else.
Especially the Moon.  He wants to be there in 1999 so he can watch Barbara
Bain's face crack as the Moon is rocked by gigantic explosions.

"KIBO SAID `SIL!'.  WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"
If you have to ask, you'll never know.  Sil!

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE COLOR?"
Pantone Reflex Blue(tm).  But only on coated paper.  Fuzzy-paper
aficionados or video weenies don't know what they're missing.

"HOW MANY TIMES HAS KIBO SEEN `GONE WITH THE WIND'?"
None.

"WHY DOES KIBO WEAR ONLY SOLID COLORS, ESPECIALLY RED, GRAY, BLUE, AND BLACK?"
ChromaKey!

"HAS KIBO READ THE SEQUEL?"
He read the synopsis in _Life_ magazine and nearly broke his rib cage
laughing.  Not nearly as entertaining as William Shatner's (and Michael
Tobias's) "Believe.", though, which was even better than E.C. Tubb's "Space:
1999: Breakaway" novelization.  ("Think of a flavor and you taste it!")

"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH OR DUKAKIS IN '88?"
No.  Ron Paul (Libertarian party).

"WHY?"
He had the least-groomed fuzzy eyebrows and thus looked the most
honest.

"DID KIBO VOTE FOR BUSH, CLINTON, OR PEROT IN '92?"
Yes.  Perot.  He did it just because he wanted to enjoy the chaos it
could cause.

"WHY DIDN'T KIBO VOTE FOR HIMSELF?  HE MUST HAVE BEEN RUNNING, BECAUSE
THERE ARE ALL THESE PROPAGANDA POSTERS ON WORLD.STD.COM TELLING ME TO
VOTE FOR HIM!"
He wanted to confuse the opposition into voting for him.

"WHAT DOES KIBO THINK OF TELEVISION?"
TV is evil must be destroyed.  A good way to do this is to watch your
set until it burns out.

"WHAT ONE WORD WOULD KIBO USE TO DESCRIBE HIMSELF?"
"Kibo."

"WHAT'S KIBO'S SHOE SIZE?"
11-1/2, wide.  The boots he's been wearing lately are 30, which is
measured in centimeters because the boots were made by Communists
in a country that no longer exists!  A true collector's item.
He also has these great rubber galoshes he got to go over the boots--
if you read the soles, they're size "Giant" (goes over 11-13.)  By the
way, a good place to buy scary-looking footwear near Boston is
M&S Police Supply.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S HAT SIZE?"
Large.  No exact measurements are available.

"WHAT KIND OF CAR DOES KIBO DRIVE?"
Living near central Boston, it's much cheaper not to have one, and
perfectly easy to get everywhere on foot or by public transportation or
taxi.

"DOES KIBO EXPECT `STAR TREK VI' TO BE ANY GOOD?"
Possibly.  It'll be better than V, obviously, but I doubt it'll be the
best of the bunch.

"WHAT'S THE DEAL WITH SULU?"
About ten percent of the profits, or something.  After Star Trek XII,
Paramount will pay to have his wart removed.

"AND WHAT ABOUT `DEEP SPACE NINE'?"
Will you screaming nerdo zonkers shut up about Star Trek already?  I
keep telling you, I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH GENE RODDENBERRY'S DEATH.
End of discussion.

"WELL, NOW THAT IT'S A YEAR LATER, DO YOU EXPECT `STAR TREK VII' TO BE
ANY GOOD?"
Possibly... and monkeys might fly out of Shatner's hair!

"DID BURT REYNOLDS REALLY DO THE VOICEOVERS FOR TROY'S CHARACTER ON THE
SERIES `OUT OF THIS WORLD'?"
Sorry, that's irrelevant to alt.religion.kibology.  Try rec.arts.tv.

"IF KIBO WERE A TREE, WHAT KIND OF TREE WOULD HE BE?"
Yggdrasil.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE TIME OF DAY?"
Four to five in the morning, whether he's awake or not.

"DOES KIBO HAVE ANY FAVORITE SPORTS TEAMS?"
No, he avoids sports religiously.

"WHAT CAN WE EXPECT TO SEE TALKED ABOUT ON ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY?"
Exactly one-half of the entire universe, including a rather large chunk
of the creamy center of the Milky Way.

"IS IT TRUE THAT KIBO WOULD WITHER AND DIE WITHOUT HIS TV SET?"
No.  You're thinking of Kibo's Usenet feed.

"DOES KIBO HAVE AN S.O.?"
I don't consider myself to have one, but she called herself my SO once.
Does that qualify?  I think I lost her phone number.

"HOW LONG HAS KIBO BEEN ON USENET?"
Since about '87.  He's had E-mail access since '85.

"WHAT PERCENTAGE OF THE NET HAS ENCOUNTERED KIBO?"
Unknown, but probably a large fraction.  Of course, Kibo has
encountered most of the net, since he reads a few zillion groups.
Well, actually, his minions do it for him.

"WHO ARE KIBO'S NET.COHORTS?"
Too many to list.  Next!

"HOW DOES KIBOLOGY COMPARE?"
Kibology is better.

"BETTER THAN SCIENTOLOGY?"
Anything is!

"IS JOHN_-_WINSTON SERIOUS?  AND WHAT'S WITH THE `_-_'?"
I'd like to answer that question in two parts.  First, John_-_ is a
perfectly normal alt.religion.kibology household word.  And second,
the _-_ is actually a single letter in Chippewa meaning, approximately,
"sideways schwa".  How this relates contextually to the information
he posts about UFOs is something only the Reptoids from Behind The Green
Galaxy can tell us.

"DID KIBO SAY, `EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED, AND PUT UP ON
BILLBOARDS'?"
No.

"DID KIBO SAY, `DID KIBO SAY, "EVERYTHING I SAY DESERVES TO BE QUOTED,
AND PUT UP ON BILLBOARDS"?'?"
Yes.

"IS KIBO FOR REAL?"
He's more real than Doogie Howser.  Not as real as Al Sharpton.  But
then, you don't want him to be.

"HOW'D YOU GET THAT NAME?"
It was an accident involving a dictionary, a contraction, some
computers, and reverse hypnosis!  Run for your lives!

"WHAT DOES KIBO MEAN, ANYWAY?"
What he says.

"NO, I MEAN, WHAT DOES THE _NAME_ `KIBO' MEAN?"
It means that the person who has that name is named "Kibo".

"HOW IS IT PRONOUNCED?"
There are three ways.  The most common is "Keebo".  The second most
common has the `short i' sound as in the word "bit".  The least common
has the `long i' as in "eye".  Needless to say, Kibo says it the weird
long-i way.

"WHAT'S `HELVETICA'?"
Kind of like the antichrist, only without the horns.

"IS KIBO RELATED TO XIBO?"
No.

"WHAT'S A XIBO?"
A bad bozo, who isn't allowed.

"WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT XIBO?"
I could if I wanted to.  See, I'm allowed to.  Xibo isn't allowed.  As
the saying goes, "You're allowed, unless you're Harry, Glass, Xibo,
Spot, Sandro Wallach, Noah Friedman (after midnight), Jay Paul Chawla,
or especially Patrick L. Obo."

"WHO'S XIBO?"
A very bad bozo, who still isn't allowed, no matter how much he whines
about it.

"WHERE'S XIBO?"
Sittin' in his nowhere land, making all his nowhere .plans for nobody.

"WHY IS XIBO SO FAR AWAY FROM KIBO?"
Because they're on opposite sides of the real world.

"WHO IS SPOT?"
He's just a dog.

"WHY IS SPOT NOT ALLOWED?"
He's _just_ a _dog_!

"DID SPOT DO SOMETHING BAD?"
No, he's never been allowed to do anything.

"WHY DOES KIBO MAKE SO MANY TYPOS?  CAN'T HE PROOFREAD?"
William Shakespeare spelled his own name four different ways, too.  And
Einstein wore mismatched socks.  So Kibo's allowed too.

"WHO IS HARRY?"
Slightly above Spot's level.

"IS HE ALLOWED?"
No.

"IF A SIAMESE TWIN COMMITTED MURDER, AND YOU WERE THE JUDGE, AND YOU
FOUND HER GUILTY AND YOU WERE IN A STATE WITH THE DEATH PENALTY AND THE
TWINS CAN'T BE SEPARATED SO THAT THEY WILL BOTH DIE IF ONE IS KILLED,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?"
Depends on whether she murdered the other twin or some random person.

"SUPPOSE IT WAS SOME RANDOM PERSON."
Was it a person I liked, or some evil creep like Sam Kinison?

"SUPPOSE IT WAS SOMEONE YOU ADMIRED GREATLY, LIKE ART CLOKEY."
Would Art Clokey have bled `slip'?

"I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE QUESTION."
Ha!  I win!

"WHY IS KIBO'S .SIGNATURE SO LONG?"
Because it contains an actual-size map of the entire Universe.

"KIBO, DON'T YOU REALIZE YOU'RE COSTING THE NET HUNDREDS IF NOT
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS BY POSTING THAT .SIGNATURE?"
Those are just 1983 dollars.

"DON'T YOU CARE?"
Of course Kibo cares.  Just not very much.

"YOU SHOULD PUT THAT IN YOUR .SIGNATURE."
Maybe.

"NO, REALLY, IT'S GOOD."
I don't care.  Peel me another grape.

"IS KIBO ON WOODY'S SIDE OR MIA'S?"
Woody's.  Mia's turned evil!

"WHY IS THE APARTMENT DOWN THE HALL ALWAYS WATCHING THE SAME TV CHANNEL
KIBO'S WATCHING?"
Conspiracy.  I can't elaborate further.

"WHAT ARE SOME OF KIBO'S FAVORITE TYPEFACES?"
Icone, Goudy Oldstyle (only in metal, though), Information Extended
Black, Journal, Eusebius, Tempo Medium Italic, Stellar, Ludlow
Garamond, Adobe Garamond, Michaelangelo, the original Baskerville, and
Jenson's original 1470 type.  Not to mention the dreaded Viafont for
shock value.

"AND LEAST FAVORITE?"
Biffo Script, Huit Light, Braggadocio, ITC Fat Face, Helvetica Medium,
Abbey, and Chicago.

"WHAT IS `E!'?"
24 hours of TV commercials every day.  It's the channel devoted to
telling you how great all the other channels are!  And the big "E!" in
the corner of the screen _never_ goes away.  Watch "E!" in your
hot-tub!  While bungee-jumping!  Get the latest on Roseanne's new
tattoo!  Watch the editing process of "Look Who's Talking 4"!
Scrutinize trends in game-show-host teeth!

"DIDN'T `E!' MERGE WITH `A!' TO FORM `A&E'?"
Only a pinhead would say such a thing.

"WHO IS BIFF?"
BIFF IZ A REELY K00L D00D !!!!!!!!!!!!!1 HE P0STS 2 THE NET FR0M HIZ
BIG BROTHERS C-64 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 BIFF IS AWESUM
..........,,,,

"SAY, KIBO, ARE YOU RELATED TO BIFF?"
N0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"IS BIFF A KIBOLOGIST?"
Everyone's a Kibologist... whether they know it or not!

"KIBO, CAN YOU POST A .GIF OF YOURSELF?"
Yes.  But not right now.  I've been meaning to when I have time to
finish airbrushing my glossies.

"HOW DO YOU SING THE QUOTATION MARKS IN `"KIBO"'?"
First you hold up your right hand and make the international
double-quote gesture with a quick downward arc of the index and middle
fingers (do not do this backwards in most parts of the world.)  Then,
after "Kibo," do the same with your left hand.  Other "quoted" words
may "also" be "pronounced" in this "`way'".

"WHY IS KIBO SO COOL?"
He's not telling, because then you'd all remake yourselves in his
image, and he'd just be average!  Did you know that NEARLY HALF THE
PEOPLE IN THE WORLD are BELOW AVERAGE?  Shocking but VERIFIED BY
ENCYCLOPEDIA BRITANNICA!

"AS YOU MIGHT KNOW, KIBO LIVES IN BOSTON.  WHY?"
Proximity to the MIT nuclear reactor, Necco factory, Tea Party ship,
and that glass building that drops windows on people.  Oh, yeah, and
it's also the Hub of the Universe.  But Kibo is the axle.

"WHAT ARE SOME OF THE MOST WIDELY QUOTED KIBO QUOTES?"
The widest I've ever seen Kibo quoted is:
                 ` ` K i b o ' '
...but in some extended fonts it could be a bit wider.

"WHY DID ISTANBUL GET THE WORKS?"
Actually, they just got some business cards.  I had to put Turkish
accent marks on ITC Souvenir Light; you haven't lived until you've seen
a Souvenir `g' with the little doohickey floating over it.

"IS ALT.RELIGION.KIBOLOGY ARCHIVED ANYWHERE?"
Yes.  FTP to world.std.com, look in /pub/alt.religion.kibology.  Find
about 16000 articles to play with.  Read them all.  Then see a doctor.
I recommend Dr. Theguywhocanrepairyourheadafteritexplodes... he's
really nice.

"HAS PHILIP K. DICK APPROVED OF THIS?"
To quote from the first chapter of PKD's _Gather Yourselves Together_
(1952), "He put his suitcase down and made certain that his wallet was
buttoned into his pocket in such a way that it could not possibly fall
out."
    Unlike PKD's characters, Kibo forgets to do stuff like this, and so
occasionally his pocket falls out.

"WHAT DOES `OBIK' MEAN?"
Obik a special aerosol spray that makes things resistant to further use
of Obik.  Contains no harmful radioactive plutonium!

"WHAT DOES `XVOB' MEAN?"
It's in code.  Ssh.  It's a _secret_.

"DO DUCKS REALLY RAPE EACH OTHER AS `HARPER'S' MAGAZINE CLAIMS?"
No, but they do enjoy latex grope suits and dressing up as priests.

"IS KIBO INTO BODY PIERCING, AND IF SO WHAT PARTS OF HIS BODY DOES HE
LIKE TO PIERCE?"
Well, no, unless you count those nail-heads inside Kibo's boots which
make little round dents on the soles of his feet and carve holes in his
socks.  If Kibo were forced to get an actual piercing... um... uh...
I think he'd get an eyeball piercing just to really gross out
rec.arts.bodyart.

"HAS KIBO EVER ORDERED ONE OF THOSE WWII VINTAGE HARLEYS PACKED IN #10
TIN CANS OF COSMOLINE?  AND IF SO, DID IT EXPLODE WHEN HE STARTED IT UP?"
Oh, is that what the lumps in there were?  I didn't know I wasn't supposed
to throw those out when I used the cosmoline for my zeppelin.  Apologies!

"WHAT FLAVORS DO NEW CRUNCHY KibOs COME IN?"
Regular, ham'n'egg, honey-lutefisk, cheez'n'whiz, nearly-kosher tofu,
and dog.

"WHY DID MY LEFT SIDEBURN FALL OUT?"
That happened to William Shatner once, in the episode where the
Transporter created an evil twin--hey, wait, I told you: STOP ASKING ME
STAR TREK QUESTIONS!  Shatner only got the Kirk role on Star Trek
because he was married to Majel Barrett, anyway.

"WHAT'S WITH THOSE `KIBO INSIDE!(TM)' STICKERS I'VE BEEN SEEING ON COMPUTERS?"
It means Kibo is inside, and you can't get him out.  It's like those tags on
mattresses which warn you that removing the tag will let the polyester fiber-
fill out, causing massive devastation.  FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, MAN, DON'T TAKE
THE KIBO OUT!!!!

"WHAT DOES THE JARGON FILE SAY ABOUT KIBO?"
Who cares?

"WHY DO EXPLODING HEADS SHOW UP SO MUCH IN BAD MOVIES AND TV?"
Because they're sheer comedy!  A laugh a minute!  *boom*  Hey, look,
honey, that guy's head just exploded FOR NO REASON!  It's almost as
funny as a midget.  Hey, look, honey, he's STILL short!  You'll laugh
for HOURS!  Coming soon to Fox.

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE MOVIE?"
"Creation of the Humanoids".  No, wait, that's Andy Warhol's favorite movie.
Kibo's is, um, either "Brazil" or "Manos: The Hands of Fate".

"WHAT'S THE MOST DISENTERTAINING VIDEO IN KIBO'S COLLECTION?"
He's got a lot of deeply hurtful tapes, including such masterpieces as
"The Lucifer Complex" and "Invasion From Inner Earth" and "Bio Kids" and
so on, but the one that takes the cake is currently "Larry `Bud' Melman's
Couch Potato Workout."  "Currently" means that Kibo has yet to screen
his tape of "Corey Feldman: Me, Myself, And I."

"WHAT'S KIBO'S FAVORITE EPISODE OF `DAVEY AND GOLIATH'?"
That's a close call.  It comes down to "Whatshisname", in which an unusually
sadistic Davey dreams up many forms of cruel revenge against a bully, and
"The Winner", in which God sent a mynah bird to distract Davey so that he
wouldn't know how to put in a cotter pin which proves that it would be a
terrible thing if everyone in the world were the same and then everyone turns
into a fireman and there's a huge traffic jam of firemen and then God's voice
says "EVERYONE IS A FIREMAN, WE NEED TRAFFIC POLICEMEN!!!"  But those both pale
in comparison to Art Clokey's work on "Gumby", such as "In The Dough", in which
Gumby climbs into a giant oven and is attacked by evil baked goods and crushed
and nearly fed to his own mother inside a jelly roll.

"IF MOST PEOPLE ARE RIGHT-HANDED, WHY ARE ALL NEUTRINOS LEFT-HANDED?"
It's a safety feature to keep kids from opening them.

"IS KIBO'S FAVORITE OPERATING SYSTEM REALLY THAT MUCH BETTER THAN MY
FAVORITE OPERATING SYSTEM?"
Yes.  And his dad could beat up your dad, too.

"WILL I EVER GET A LIFE?"
I suggest you check alt.religion.kibology for the answer, every hour.
On the hour.  Don't forget to keep us posted.  Oh, and be sure to tell
us everything about every laser disc you buy, and type in parts of
"Paradise Lost", too.

"HAVE I YET ACCUMULATED A LETHAL DOSE?"
Perhaps just a lethal doze.

"WHY AM I ASKING THIS?"
Who do I look like--Criswell?  Actually, my hairdo is stranger than
his.  But then again, he went bald later.  And I didn't.

"WHAT'S THAT KIBO-FOR-PREZ DIRECTORY ON WHITEHOUSE.GOV?"
Around Dec. 12 1993, it was noticed that /pub/political-science/speeches
in whitehouse.gov's anonymous FTP area contained documentation on the
four serious candidates who ran for President of the United States in '92:
Bush, Clinton, Kibo, and Perot.  After a few people mentioned this on the
net in the appropriate places (and alt.politics.kibo), on Dec. 15 1993 the
files were mysteriously removed from whitehouse.gov by unknown government
employees (or perhaps cosmic rays--yeah, whatever.)  Well, the directory's
still there, so now Kibo has the honor of being a serious candidate who
never told a lie--because he's not on record as having said anything.

"THIS FAQ IS REALLY LONG.  IS THIS THE END?"
This is the end... OF THE BEGINNING!!!
(Theremin music blasts in as credits roll.)



.